Shaman on the run: Trust and Suspicion
This story is dedicated to Robert Jordans view of wolves and all those that study and protect these magnificent, yet misunderstood, animals.
The young peacekeeper thinks deeply. I stare into the fire. Memories come unbidden. Memories of home. Faces of friends. I resolutely suppress them. Now is not the time for sadness. Now is not the time for self-indulgence. The pup needs help and although I am not very good, I am the only one here. I clear my mind of all distractions and try to do meditate. To look at the problem from every side. To see all the elements it holds. To predict the future based on the information I have now. My fathers` face flashes before me. I accept it and let it go of its own accord. I see a wolf sitting hidden in the shadows, it`s eyes are old and wise, it`s bearing proud and strong. But it`s the eyes that worry me, those shining golden discs with the deep darkness at the center. I know that a part of me knows what it is. I`ll try to deduce later what it is. I know that my chance of success is low. But I have time.
I hope.
As I direct my attention to Arahus plight, he stirs. I try to return to meditational awareness, but I fail.
“I am listening, Arahu. Tell me what you think, please. “
“I-I-I d-d-on`t k-know i-i-if this i-i-is t-the r-r-r-right a-a-answer…”
I smile at him as I interrupt “There is no right or wrong answer to my question. We are not in class, this is not a test. Be truthful and listen to me as I listen to you. That is all I ask of you. I`ll be honest, what my answer would be, would not be your answer.”
His eyes sparkle “I understand that master Qure`thell. Like the Dr- er Eredar in history I must chose my own path. And not let someone else choose it for me, neither leader, nor priest, nor shaman should tell me what to do!”
Arahu hesitates “S-s-sorry, di-didn`t m-mean to o-o-o-offend.”
I wave it away “You are not offending. You are right…” I smile at Arahu “…at least I think so”
Arahus smiles back proudly. He searches for the right words to continue.
“Furthermore I should…. “ He nods to himself “Continue to travel the path of the warrior and the path of the Elekkian. I can do both, right?”
I nod, wondering what exactly an Elekkian is. But I darenot ask, I might stop him from talking or thinking.
“Okay, next… I should stop trying to learn how to wield an axe and start focusing on how to defeat an axe-wielder. I`ll stick with maces and guns. Though I will pick up how to use a sledge or an hammer. You know a two-hander. I`ll keep the mace close to my heart to prevent me from raging again.”
Arahu stops as he considers his words. Then he nods and smiles at me. I sigh deeply, feeling both disappointment and contentment that I can continue.
“If you wish. But you will always have trouble if you do that, Arahu.”
The peacekeeper frowns at me.
“You forget your curse. No matter what you do, it will always be there. The harder you push it down, the harder it explodes when it comes back up. Don`t delude yourself into thinking you are not a Berserker anymore. It will cost you dearly. I know…”
My voice cracks as the memory resurfaces. Not now! It hurts. It hurts and I can`t deal with it right now. I push it away again. Arahu gives me a funny look that tells me I fell silent.
“I taunted you and you exploded in fury. What if the next time someone annoys you? You get killed? Or worse, you kill a Draenei? Or a friend?”
I pause not just to let it sink in but also to check myself. Make sure no memories interfere again.
“You must control your rage. Use it in battle against your enemies. Spend it, make sure it doesn`t accumulate so much that you lose control. Also I suggest you think of a phrase or an image to stop yourself from doing your friends any harm. I will teach you some techniques tomorrow if you want.”
He is staring again.
“How do you know all this?”
Ay. The one question I don`t want to answer. But to refuse to answer it would invalidate my argument. This is going to be unpleasant…. Unless….
“I don`t want to talk about it…” I start “… And I sure don`t want people to know about this. So I need to know that you can keep this a secret.”
Arahu thinks for just a fraction of a second. “I swear to keep it a secret, shaman, I swear it on the Light” Leans forward eagerly to hear the story. I nod
“Very well, I hope you don`t mind if I keep this short, it is getting late and us old folk need our sleep. I`ll tell you the details later.”
I had hoped he would have let me keep my shame a secret.
“Ever since that day the orcs turned on us I had been angry. As the months passed the anger grew with each story I heard, each orc I saw. I kept it in check, surpressing it. Near the end I was surpressing it almost all the time. It was very tiring”
I yawn “Sorry about that, it has been a long day. One day it broke free… And I killed and killed and drank blood by the galleons… The song of my blood was so powerful then, so strong, I was without any thought except where to strike next. My axe drank and drank. I floated freely, free from the pain, the sadness, the..”
I choke on the emotions. Arahus looks horrified.
“You did what? You killed Draenei?! That`s monstrous!”
I struggle to keep the memories down and my tears from shedding. The boy is reaching for his mace. I can`t speak. I know from his look he is going to strike me down. Part of me wants him to do that. I did kill them all. But Janah, dear sweet Janah. She would be so sad… I don`t want her to suffer at my hands again.
I fiercely shake my head in denial, sending my tentacles swirling through the air. One of them hits my glasses, dislodging it. Quickly I slap my hand on it trying to refrain the yellow light from shining through. Arahu pales a little. Light! He`s seen it!
Arahu looks at me in shock, he mumbles a single word: “Man`ari”
“No” I croak as I force the words through my swelled throat “No Draenei, Orcs, Orcs!”
Even in this condition I can`t help but spit out the word Orc as though it is something that was vile while living and has died a month ago. Still Arahu eyes me carefully and sternly asks:
“Will you swear an oath to that?”
I nod. It takes a few minutes for me to regain my composure and voice.
“With the Light as my judge, I swear that I did not kill any Draenei. Not a single one. Should I be prove false in this my life is forfeit and my soul will never join with the Light.”
The peacekeeper blinks at the severity of the oath. He studies me carefully. Mace in hand, he thinks for a few minutes.
“I believe you. But don`t be offended if I sleep away from you…” his tone turns cool “…shaman.”
I know that look. I have seen it so often. Often disguised, but Arahu isn`t the one to disguise or feign. I have no idea how I know that, but I know it.
“Very well, it seems we are done talking, aren`t we?”
I know I shouldn`t say this, but I can`t stop it, I am tired, so tired, and I miss her … Bitterness clouds my voice .
“ I wouldn`t want to pervert an innocent away from the Light, would I?”
I stand up and walk away from the fire.
“Hey! Where are you going? I thought you were tired?” Arahu shouts after me.
“I am, but I have duties to fulfill. I`ll be back in an hour. I`ll whistle to warn you.” I laugh bitterly “I promise on my word as a monster. “
I walk in darkness. It holds very little secrets for me, save one. A dark shadow slides out of its hiding place and trail the Shaman. Maybe he would have noticed it, if he wasn`t so shocked and hurt at Arahus rejection.
Man`ari.
Wrong. Twisted. Defiled.
This story is dedicated to Robert Jordans view of wolves and all those that study and protect these magnificent, yet misunderstood, animals.
The young peacekeeper thinks deeply. I stare into the fire. Memories come unbidden. Memories of home. Faces of friends. I resolutely suppress them. Now is not the time for sadness. Now is not the time for self-indulgence. The pup needs help and although I am not very good, I am the only one here. I clear my mind of all distractions and try to do meditate. To look at the problem from every side. To see all the elements it holds. To predict the future based on the information I have now. My fathers` face flashes before me. I accept it and let it go of its own accord. I see a wolf sitting hidden in the shadows, it`s eyes are old and wise, it`s bearing proud and strong. But it`s the eyes that worry me, those shining golden discs with the deep darkness at the center. I know that a part of me knows what it is. I`ll try to deduce later what it is. I know that my chance of success is low. But I have time.
I hope.
As I direct my attention to Arahus plight, he stirs. I try to return to meditational awareness, but I fail.
“I am listening, Arahu. Tell me what you think, please. “
“I-I-I d-d-on`t k-know i-i-if this i-i-is t-the r-r-r-right a-a-answer…”
I smile at him as I interrupt “There is no right or wrong answer to my question. We are not in class, this is not a test. Be truthful and listen to me as I listen to you. That is all I ask of you. I`ll be honest, what my answer would be, would not be your answer.”
His eyes sparkle “I understand that master Qure`thell. Like the Dr- er Eredar in history I must chose my own path. And not let someone else choose it for me, neither leader, nor priest, nor shaman should tell me what to do!”
Arahu hesitates “S-s-sorry, di-didn`t m-mean to o-o-o-offend.”
I wave it away “You are not offending. You are right…” I smile at Arahu “…at least I think so”
Arahus smiles back proudly. He searches for the right words to continue.
“Furthermore I should…. “ He nods to himself “Continue to travel the path of the warrior and the path of the Elekkian. I can do both, right?”
I nod, wondering what exactly an Elekkian is. But I darenot ask, I might stop him from talking or thinking.
“Okay, next… I should stop trying to learn how to wield an axe and start focusing on how to defeat an axe-wielder. I`ll stick with maces and guns. Though I will pick up how to use a sledge or an hammer. You know a two-hander. I`ll keep the mace close to my heart to prevent me from raging again.”
Arahu stops as he considers his words. Then he nods and smiles at me. I sigh deeply, feeling both disappointment and contentment that I can continue.
“If you wish. But you will always have trouble if you do that, Arahu.”
The peacekeeper frowns at me.
“You forget your curse. No matter what you do, it will always be there. The harder you push it down, the harder it explodes when it comes back up. Don`t delude yourself into thinking you are not a Berserker anymore. It will cost you dearly. I know…”
My voice cracks as the memory resurfaces. Not now! It hurts. It hurts and I can`t deal with it right now. I push it away again. Arahu gives me a funny look that tells me I fell silent.
“I taunted you and you exploded in fury. What if the next time someone annoys you? You get killed? Or worse, you kill a Draenei? Or a friend?”
I pause not just to let it sink in but also to check myself. Make sure no memories interfere again.
“You must control your rage. Use it in battle against your enemies. Spend it, make sure it doesn`t accumulate so much that you lose control. Also I suggest you think of a phrase or an image to stop yourself from doing your friends any harm. I will teach you some techniques tomorrow if you want.”
He is staring again.
“How do you know all this?”
Ay. The one question I don`t want to answer. But to refuse to answer it would invalidate my argument. This is going to be unpleasant…. Unless….
“I don`t want to talk about it…” I start “… And I sure don`t want people to know about this. So I need to know that you can keep this a secret.”
Arahu thinks for just a fraction of a second. “I swear to keep it a secret, shaman, I swear it on the Light” Leans forward eagerly to hear the story. I nod
“Very well, I hope you don`t mind if I keep this short, it is getting late and us old folk need our sleep. I`ll tell you the details later.”
I had hoped he would have let me keep my shame a secret.
“Ever since that day the orcs turned on us I had been angry. As the months passed the anger grew with each story I heard, each orc I saw. I kept it in check, surpressing it. Near the end I was surpressing it almost all the time. It was very tiring”
I yawn “Sorry about that, it has been a long day. One day it broke free… And I killed and killed and drank blood by the galleons… The song of my blood was so powerful then, so strong, I was without any thought except where to strike next. My axe drank and drank. I floated freely, free from the pain, the sadness, the..”
I choke on the emotions. Arahus looks horrified.
“You did what? You killed Draenei?! That`s monstrous!”
I struggle to keep the memories down and my tears from shedding. The boy is reaching for his mace. I can`t speak. I know from his look he is going to strike me down. Part of me wants him to do that. I did kill them all. But Janah, dear sweet Janah. She would be so sad… I don`t want her to suffer at my hands again.
I fiercely shake my head in denial, sending my tentacles swirling through the air. One of them hits my glasses, dislodging it. Quickly I slap my hand on it trying to refrain the yellow light from shining through. Arahu pales a little. Light! He`s seen it!
Arahu looks at me in shock, he mumbles a single word: “Man`ari”
“No” I croak as I force the words through my swelled throat “No Draenei, Orcs, Orcs!”
Even in this condition I can`t help but spit out the word Orc as though it is something that was vile while living and has died a month ago. Still Arahu eyes me carefully and sternly asks:
“Will you swear an oath to that?”
I nod. It takes a few minutes for me to regain my composure and voice.
“With the Light as my judge, I swear that I did not kill any Draenei. Not a single one. Should I be prove false in this my life is forfeit and my soul will never join with the Light.”
The peacekeeper blinks at the severity of the oath. He studies me carefully. Mace in hand, he thinks for a few minutes.
“I believe you. But don`t be offended if I sleep away from you…” his tone turns cool “…shaman.”
I know that look. I have seen it so often. Often disguised, but Arahu isn`t the one to disguise or feign. I have no idea how I know that, but I know it.
“Very well, it seems we are done talking, aren`t we?”
I know I shouldn`t say this, but I can`t stop it, I am tired, so tired, and I miss her … Bitterness clouds my voice .
“ I wouldn`t want to pervert an innocent away from the Light, would I?”
I stand up and walk away from the fire.
“Hey! Where are you going? I thought you were tired?” Arahu shouts after me.
“I am, but I have duties to fulfill. I`ll be back in an hour. I`ll whistle to warn you.” I laugh bitterly “I promise on my word as a monster. “
I walk in darkness. It holds very little secrets for me, save one. A dark shadow slides out of its hiding place and trail the Shaman. Maybe he would have noticed it, if he wasn`t so shocked and hurt at Arahus rejection.
Man`ari.
Wrong. Twisted. Defiled.